How did I become this version of me?
I am being oddly reflective these last couple of weeks. There have been many changes at work, all of which I really enjoy, but have forced me into a new skin. I think I was always knew I was headed this way but had no idea it would happen so quick. I ask for money. Donations. But somewhere along the way, in college, I began to learn how to ask my way into things. Places, events, clubs, etc.. Which is really surprising given how shy I have historically been. It became a rush for me. My heart would beat so hard that I was sure others could hear it. I couldn't breath, no matter what the situation entailed. I could be signing up for a meeting of the Anthropology Student Association and not even have to speak to someone, but I would still feel nervous. I imagined that this was the rush daredevils might get. Or that my friends in high school had when they skipped school and smoked weed while I stayed behind. So, now, here I am. Still asking my way into life. Not waiting for someone to ask me.
NEVER do that Jillian Michael's "cleanse"
It only took one day for me to figure this out. By 8pm yesterday, I moved into my bathroom and basically camped out there until about 10am this morning. That's right! I had to come in late for work because I was afraid of being stuck on the expressway in traffic and pooping on myself. While this phase has calmed, I now feel nauseated and have only been able to eat anything but Rolaid's and Emergen-C. And my burps smell like eggs! Ugh
Cleanse- Jillian Michael's 14 day Jumpstart
I have decided to try a cleanse. After a bad day of eating on Sunday, I felt so sick. Too much fried foods, which I generally avoid. So I thought I would try to get my body back to feeling "normal" and having been sucked into a pinterest page or one hundred about them, I thought, why not? I can get on this bandwagon too. I just took a little trip to Walgreen's and found this product on sale, so I thought I would try it. I have read some reviews and it sounds like I will be pooping a lot in the next week!!
http://distractify.com/chelsea-fagan/aholes-getting-in-shape/
THIS!!!! Go to this link. This is how I feel, even though I am trying to start a weight loss journey. I joined a 12- week challenge and spent more money than I should have on it, only to fail. I know I failed. I like to drink beer and eat terrible food. But, since January I have lost 9 pounds an have at least been able to keep that off. The challenge has a facebook page and I have become friends with many of the members on there too. They (and even I am guilty of it a little) post A LOT of these things. At first, I felt they were a little inspirational, but now I feel as if I am just failing because I'm just not as into it as they are. I stopped going. I wasted my money and that makes me feel more guilty and even more like a failure. I really haven't done much in my life lately to make me feel like I've accomplished something. I stopped working toward a goal once I got out of college and finally got a job. This seems as good as a goal as any. Not to just lose weight, but to be healthy.
And I promise not to be annoying like those people above.
Well, Isn't She Just So Cute
I turned 34 at the beginning of March. Yes, I know I look young and it doesn't help the situation that I often act young. Always flashing a smile, making innocent jokes at work, and even exhibiting a child-like enthusiasm for many different events. I am also the mascot for the non-profit were I work. I have a growing collection of baseball bobble heads all over my office. To top it all off I have chubby cheeks. I still have people that ask to pinch them.
So in a culture so obsessed with looking youthful, one might ask, "what is the big deal? Poor you". Right!? Well, at an area business association meeting I attended recently, in the middle of a conversation about helping one of my clients get employed, the employer turns to my co-worker (who is older than I) and says, "Well isn't she just the cutest thing!" Like she is my mother and it was bring your daughter to work day. I flashed my smile and because we wanted her to hire our client, I said nothing more.
But really!!??! Thanks lady for making me feel like all my training, education, and experience means dick! I know, I just know, that in the past this was one of the reason's I had such a hard time finding work out of grad school. When you look like you're twelve, no one is going to believe that you are capable of leading people or gaining their respect. I guess I never expected to still have to deal with this at 34.
Grateful
It's a funny thing reading about your past in your own words. I have client that recently stated that they no longer know who they really are anymore. But they want to get back to that person that they once were. Now in some ways, I understand this, especially if you are suffering from depression. When I look back at the few posts I wrote (and just thinking back on my life then), I can obviously see now that I was depressed. And I know that then, I wanted to get back to the person I was as well. But now, I don't think I would want that. I think I have finally found a way to forgive myself for being that person that stayed in a unhealthy relationship. I would not be were I am today. I would not be the person that I am today. So for all that I went through and learned, I am grateful.
It's been a long time.
Once I upon a time, I enjoyed writing little short stories. I guess it helped to organize all the little fantasies my imagination would conjure up. It was nice to see some of my daydreams get placed into reality, even if it was just on a piece of paper. I was shy. Some of the stories would be of girls my age that were able to handle situations better than I ever could. Or sometimes these teenage girls would be able to flirt with boys in a manner in which I was never able. You know, like be able to speak, and not be frozen in fear. Or have their face turn so bright red upon mere eye contact that speaking could not even be considered an option because the boy probably thought you had some sort of disease.
Then blogging became popular. I had a couple. My first was on AOL. I had another on Blogger or was it Blogspot, or perhaps one became the other. I chronicled my travels to Asia. I suppose I stopped when the traveling stopped. My life became boring. I was server with a master’s degree and as one year became another and then another with no new job prospects, I guess I became ashamed of what my former exciting life became. I drank a lot and stayed with a horribly manipulative boyfriend because I lost my joy. I lost myself. Then I joined AmeriCorps and started to find myself again.
Fast forward, oh I dunno, five years (wow, it’s really been five years!) and I actually have everything I wanted to have then. I am happy. But I miss this outlet. I can not picture myself carrying around a paper journal, so here I am again. To rock you like a hurricane.
